Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
DUUUUDESS! PANDAMONIUM MADE LAND AN HOUR AGO AND IS ATTACKING DOWNTOWN MEGA-NEE-AYCH RIGHT NOW!!! NOT EVEN THE CITY'S DEFENSE GRIDS ARE STOPPING HIM! CHECK OUT THIS INSANE CHANNEL 36 CHOPPER FOOTAGE! (SORRY ABOUT THE VIDEO QUALITY, BUT REPORTS ARE SAYING THAT PANDAMONIUM IS PUTTING OFF SOME KIND OF ELECTRICAL RADIATION FIELD THAT'S CAUSING INTERFERANCE) ANYWAY, START STOCKING UP ON BOTTLED WATER NOW GANG BECAUSE I THINK THIS HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH A CERTAIN LEVEL 10 KYTHANIUM BLAST FROM A FEW WEEKS AGO! -FRANK, OUT!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
FRANK ATTACK, ATTACK! Major melt-down in Meganee this weekend over a leak of what appears to be Dr. Julia Klozenheimer's K-project diary. Everyone who has read it is calling the K-projects a covert military operation that puts Setting Sun founder P.T. Denson, (oh-excuse me, I mean HOLY COW-Special Agent P.T. Denson!!!) leading the call on a super-race of Kyzilla babies!!! I am most defiantly riding this wave of conspiracy theory with a Kythanium surfboard. See, I thought I liked Kyzilla and friends before I knew the whole of Setting Sun Studios turned out to have it's beginnings rooted in a covert military conspiracy to re-create a Kythanium-based king of monsters to be used as a biological weapon against our enemies but DUDES this is like so golden! I'm so glad I bought those old VHS copies of Kyzilla 10 through 19 off the Internets last week before all these shenanigans started. My bros at homestead thought it was a waste of money since VHS is all frowned upon but I said NO WAY DUDES! Then I Frank Attacked their heads and shoved wiener dogs in their faces. Retrobute is most brutal. You had to be there. Anyway, I'm reposting the recently declassified entry that surfaced from Dr. Klozenheimer's diary below. Make of this what you will. Some are calling hoax which is possible because of everything that's been going on lately (Uhm, can we say Level 10 Kythanium blasts over Meganee, four important daikaiju missing, and several people dead?) but all the info I'm receiving seems pretty consistent and if it's true, dudes, this thing has just begun to unfold...
“...The Americans believed that the Japanese created Kyzilla as a weapon to be used against us. After the beast surfaced for the first time off of the coast of Tokyo, it made a strait line to attack Hawaii and from there, once the islands were gone, it surfaced eight hours later in California during the Golden Dawn of Monsters. There, it wreaked havoc until it and the other beasts were pushed in to a retreat by General Heston and the allied American Forces of Hollywood One. For years, America has used the monsters' existence as a way to justify the terrible atrocities executed against the Japanese in a vein attempt to police them. I remember as a little girl not understanding why the Japanese would unleash “Monsters” upon the world. It seemed so self-destructive, especially considering the devastating amount of random monster attacks Japan itself suffered in the following years before it sank. I think about this now that I've had a chance to study the Kyzilla DNA sample provided to me by Agent Denson. The more I look into it, the more I don't see anything man-made. Nor do I see anything that could have ever been under Japanese control. The science involved is too complicated for the time. Kythanium was and still is too volatile and uncertain, identifiable only by it's symptoms. The team Denson has assembled for me are some of the most brilliant physicists and geneticists from around the world, and neither they nor myself can comprehend the vast intellectual phenomenon taking place in these K-genome. No, there is nothing man-made here. It may become an unpopular opinion among my contemporaries but I fully believethat this creature is far more ancient and possibly far more alien than we first imagined. How exactly they expect me to harvest anything from it is a task I'm both terrified and excited by. Excited by the possibilities and terrified of what demise those possibilites could in turn lead us to. ”
- Leaked from Dr. Klozenheimer's journal, originally posted on MHNTribune
DUBYA-TEE-FRANKENSTEIN!!! ANCIENT?! ALIEN?! This from a scientist?! And NOT just any scientist but Dr. Julia Klozenheimer who was like numero uno in her field before she died! Does this mean actor-Kyzilla is Kythanium-based?! How in the world did those guys harvest Kythanium from the K samples to create a Kythanium-based monster? After Ky-One died on Laguna Beach, there were booths set up that gave away dead skin samples as souvenirs. I bought one that I've looked at under a microscope like thousands of times and I have never seen anything remotely odd! What were they looking at?! Or-WHOA- what have I been looking at? If actor Kyzilla is Kythanium based, wouldn't that make him more than just a special genetic effect and more like like a uhm...REAL MONSTER WHO COULD BLOW A LEVEL 10 KYTHANIUM BLAST ACROSS THE SKY AND DESTROY CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT WITH AN ATOMIC GROWL?! Doctor Klozenheimer hit the nail on the head when she said “terrified and excited.” I need a drink.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Frank here with most terrible news! I almost couldn't believe it! I'm a huge fan of Dr. Julia Klozenheimer's life's work, as she's the founder of Special Genetics in Hollywood!! There should be an academy award for this by now with all the breakthroughs that Special Genetics continues to have in make-up and costuming. I mean, any actress who has had her DNA re-arranged to look more youthful owes that to Klozenheimer's K-project findings. Anyway, in case you haven't heard, I'm re-posting this from MNH Tribune's website:
It has been confirmed that Dr. Julia Steinwick Klozenheimer was among the many who died yesterday during the incident at Setting Sun Studios in which several of the studios star monsters went on a rampage. It's been reported from numerous sources that Dr. Klozenheimer was struck in the chest by multiple gunshot wounds after being caught in a crossfire the occurred at Setting Sun Studios when military forces tried to contain the monster rampage that broke out early yesterday morning. When authorities moved in to seize the situation, they were met by interference from Dr. Julia Klozenheimer who was in the process of aiding several of the rampaging monsters to escape studio property. When asked to cease her interference, Dr. Klozeheimer refused and was subsequently caught in the crossfire of the following chaos. Dr. Julia Steinwick Klozenheimer was forty-eight years old when she died.
When asked for a comment, Setting Sun Studios representative Leon Shultz responded: “Dr. Klozenheimer was a very intelligent woman who was embedded with many of our monsters for most of their lives. Not only was she responsible for their care, she was directly responsible for the research that led to the creation of our patented Kyzilla monster, copyright Setting Sun Studios. When several of the monsters turned dangerous last night, the order was issued to put them down rather than risk more human lives. It is believed [Dr. Klozenheimer] felt an urge to protect her creations by turning against authorities. It is regretful that Dr. Klozenheimer put herself in this position. It was a very tragic occurrence that never should have happened and we at Setting Sun Studios wish to express our deepest sympathies to Dr. Klozenheimer's family.” When questioned about the level 10 Kythanium blast that erupted over Mega-Neo-Hollywood, Shultz added “We're still looking in to that. Setting Sun Studios certainly never authorized Dr. Klozenheimer to outfit our monsters with destructive capabilities. In fact, our science staff is ordered to pursue a molecular defanging process on our monsters' DNA that makes them less dangerous wherever possible in order to facilitate a safer environment for people. [Setting Sun Studios] will certainly be working with authorities to review Dr. Klozenheimer's work records in hopes of getting to the bottom of this unsettling mystery.”
Uh, Conspiracy!! The Tribune is reporting that security responded around 11:00 but most witnesses claim to have seen the blast over the skyline almost an hour before that!! And what was that about it being a Kythanium blast?!? WHOA! Excuse me?! Is Kythanium not suppose to be totally illegal for private and commercial uses or is the super-element that can melt your face off, rebuild it, and melt your face again now in hot commodity?! AND, what's with Leon Shultz and the off info? Setting Sun founder P.T. Denson commissioned Klozenheimer to create Kyzilla but not the other monsters as Shultz suggested. Denson's autobiography explains that after he left the military, he obtained the other monsters through cyrptozoology expeditions. And while I'm on it, I know I've said it a thousand times but why haven't those records been released like they were supposed to have been when he died! Something stank is so going down in the state: Denmark, dudes. Most stank. -Frank Attack, Frank Attacks Hollywood online.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Dozens of military officers are missing and presumed dead in Mega-Neo-Hollywood this morning in the wake of a terrible monster rampage that occurred at Setting Sun Studios late last night. Many unconfirmed reports suggest that the incident began around 11:00 pm when several of the studios' well-known monsters went on a tirade in their stables for unknown reasons. The tirade prompted the studio's security force to tranquilize the monsters and it was then that several of the monsters broke free of their restraints and went on RAMPAGE. Military and B.B.R. units were immediately alerted to an emergency when a level 10 Kythanium blast appeared over Mega-Neo-Hollywood's skyline. Triangulating the blast's origins led authorities to the source: Setting Sun Studios. As this story continues to develop, there have been numerous reports of people including civilians being eaten alive by monsters with an estimted property damage on Mega-Neo-Hollywood's entire east end estimated to be in the ger-billions. “It looked like an utter war-zone,” said just one of the actors who played Wolverine of the carnage he witnessed from behind the window of his his posh Mega-Neo-Hollywood assisted-living loft. “There were military helichoppers flying in from all directions trying to get a spotlight on these things and I had to turn from the window because it was just an utter war-zone.”
Another neighbor, Ten-Jaques Garble, a local actor and server at the Atomic Skillet, called in to give another account through endless sobs: “I was in the middle of studying for this big part I have in the film adaptation of this book I heard about based on the Harry Potter series when there was this strange racket like all Hell breaking loose and it was then that I turned around to look out the balcony and I'll never forget that I saw this burning military vehicle flying through the air, hurled by some kind of dinosaur slug and it just crashed down on this funny hat club of little bearded men who I use to always see hanging out in the courtyard! I tried to shout at them from where I was on the balcony to run for their lives but there was too much noise- they were just caught so unaware, standing there calmly one minute and then- I don't know why they didn't run away! I keep telling the police that I think someone is dead over there but they just tell me that they already have their hands full with tracking all these loose monsters. What kind of justice is that?! I'd go check myself but I need to nail this part and I'm already too traumatized Traumatized by what he'd seen, Garble was unable to continue with his account.
Another famous neighbor who asked that her name be with-held for fear of exposure only consented that while she had witnessed the account, having lived in Mega-Neo-Hollywood for years, she has become hardend to monster rampages and was only concerned about what had become of her collection of rare lawn gnomes which had apparently been smashed in the courtyard during the chaos.
Of the monsters who rampaged at Setting Sun last night, The monsters,
THE SLUG MONSTER
Kyzilla, Flutra, Snaptile and The Slug Monster remain at large with their whereabouts unknown. Col. Ludwig Right, head of B.B.R. International wishes to warn the public that these monsters are extremely dangerous beasts with a thirst for blood. They be avoided at all costs and if sighted, authorities should be contacted immediately."
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Hey kids, Shanghi Lou here.
This news out of Mega-Neo-Hollywood today shouldn't come as a surprise to those who've been following the Alabaster Giovanni take-over at Setting Sun Studios.
For starters Giovanni is a software tycoon whose made millions off of the programs he's “obtained” the universal rights to distribute (I have several unflattering opinions about the methods Giovanni's used to do this that I won't go in to right now). So, it came out of left field a few weeks ago when Mr. Software Tycoon revealed that he wanted to purchase a controlling interest in Setting Sun Studios, a company that's been providing us with the most awesome rampage monster films for the past 20 years. This sounded like a death-nail for us die-hard fans who still get a kick out of the old rampage films since knowing what the world knows about Giovanni we all waited semi-patiently for the other diamond-encrusted shoe to drop. That shoe came a week ago with the announcement of his insane idea to remove the genetic effects department that S.S.S. founder P.T. Denson spent his life cultivating and to have it replaced by a virtual effects department (WHAT?!). Now, we were expecting something bad but that level of insanity just left many of us fans wondering: why? Why take over a beloved studio just to ruin it? Rampage films are past their hey-day, but Denson and many others created those films with love and many of us fans still love that genre. So, seriously, why take over the studio only to destroy it's legacy? Well, that answer that came out of Mega-Neo-Hollywood today in the form of NEXTUS, Doorway's latest virtual reality generator. In case you've been living under a rock, Doorway is the principle software supplier to the world and it just so happens to be Giovanni's flagship company. So, it should come as no surprise that Setting Sun Studios has signed exclusive rights with NEXTUS to handle their brand new virtual imagery department. After all, Doorways dumped billions into developing the A.I. behind NEXTUS and the entire company is facing a record loss if it can't get the necessary approval by the Consumer General to distribute it. Several concerns currently coming out of the courts are that the AI involved in running NEXTUS is too unstable, there are even reports that the virtual creations NEXTUS manifests are prone to violence, so much so that even the military won't offer NEXTUS a contract (and those guys love violence). So what's Giovanni's answer to this hurdle? He purchases a controlling interest in Setting Sun Studios, a studio that's forced to have the most expensive insurance around because it deals with monsters, THEN he removes the monsters for “insurance reasons” and re-launches the studio with his virtual NEXTUS monsters with the intentions of using the NEXTUS-cast films (which come complete with a built-in world-wide market) to showcase the power behind his amazing new virtual reality generator. (I want to vomit.) Giovanni gets to keep his billions while rampage fans suffer the consequences. And, there's still one more shoe left to drop on this four-footed creature and that's: what happens to P.T. Denson's legacy? What happens to the artists formally known as Kyzilla or the Slug Monster now that they're being replaced by computer generated duplicates? Will we ever see these guys again or will they fade away like so many Mega-Neo-Hollywood stars before them? Whatever happens next, this defiantly marks the end of an era...
Shanghi Lou, Out