Thursday, January 15, 2009


FRANK ATTACK, ATTACK! Major melt-down in Meganee this weekend over a leak of what appears to be Dr. Julia Klozenheimer's K-project diary. Everyone who has read it is calling the K-projects a covert military operation that puts Setting Sun founder P.T. Denson, (oh-excuse me, I mean HOLY COW-Special Agent P.T. Denson!!!) leading the call on a super-race of Kyzilla babies!!! I am most defiantly riding this wave of conspiracy theory with a Kythanium surfboard. See, I thought I liked Kyzilla and friends before I knew the whole of Setting Sun Studios turned out to have it's beginnings rooted in a covert military conspiracy to re-create a Kythanium-based king of monsters to be used as a biological weapon against our enemies but DUDES this is like so golden! I'm so glad I bought those old VHS copies of Kyzilla 10 through 19 off the Internets last week before all these shenanigans started. My bros at homestead thought it was a waste of money since VHS is all frowned upon but I said NO WAY DUDES! Then I Frank Attacked their heads and shoved wiener dogs in their faces. Retrobute is most brutal. You had to be there. Anyway, I'm reposting the recently declassified entry that surfaced from Dr. Klozenheimer's diary below. Make of this what you will. Some are calling hoax which is possible because of everything that's been going on lately (Uhm, can we say Level 10 Kythanium blasts over Meganee, four important daikaiju missing, and several people dead?) but all the info I'm receiving seems pretty consistent and if it's true, dudes, this thing has just begun to unfold...

“...The Americans believed that the Japanese created Kyzilla as a weapon to be used against us. After the beast surfaced for the first time off of the coast of Tokyo, it made a strait line to attack Hawaii and from there, once the islands were gone, it surfaced eight hours later in California during the Golden Dawn of Monsters. There, it wreaked havoc until it and the other beasts were pushed in to a retreat by General Heston and the allied American Forces of Hollywood One. For years, America has used the monsters' existence as a way to justify the terrible atrocities executed against the Japanese in a vein attempt to police them. I remember as a little girl not understanding why the Japanese would unleash “Monsters” upon the world. It seemed so self-destructive, especially considering the devastating amount of random monster attacks Japan itself suffered in the following years before it sank. I think about this now that I've had a chance to study the Kyzilla DNA sample provided to me by Agent Denson. The more I look into it, the more I don't see anything man-made. Nor do I see anything that could have ever been under Japanese control. The science involved is too complicated for the time. Kythanium was and still is too volatile and uncertain, identifiable only by it's symptoms. The team Denson has assembled for me are some of the most brilliant physicists and geneticists from around the world, and neither they nor myself can comprehend the vast intellectual phenomenon taking place in these K-genome. No, there is nothing man-made here. It may become an unpopular opinion among my contemporaries but I fully believethat this creature is far more ancient and possibly far more alien than we first imagined. How exactly they expect me to harvest anything from it is a task I'm both terrified and excited by. Excited by the possibilities and terrified of what demise those possibilites could in turn lead us to. ”

- Leaked from Dr. Klozenheimer's journal, originally posted on MHNTribune

DUBYA-TEE-FRANKENSTEIN!!! ANCIENT?! ALIEN?! This from a scientist?! And NOT just any scientist but Dr. Julia Klozenheimer who was like numero uno in her field before she died! Does this mean actor-Kyzilla is Kythanium-based?! How in the world did those guys harvest Kythanium from the K samples to create a Kythanium-based monster? After Ky-One died on Laguna Beach, there were booths set up that gave away dead skin samples as souvenirs. I bought one that I've looked at under a microscope like thousands of times and I have never seen anything remotely odd! What were they looking at?! Or-WHOA- what have I been looking at? If actor Kyzilla is Kythanium based, wouldn't that make him more than just a special genetic effect and more like like a uhm...REAL MONSTER WHO COULD BLOW A LEVEL 10 KYTHANIUM BLAST ACROSS THE SKY AND DESTROY CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT WITH AN ATOMIC GROWL?! Doctor Klozenheimer hit the nail on the head when she said “terrified and excited.” I need a drink.

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